Kanye West
“Clique” (f/ Big Sean, Jay-Z)
Cruel Summer (G.O.O.D. Music, out 09/18)
In honor of the recent release of Cruel Summer‘s tracklist, I’ve decided to do things a little different. On his excellent new single, the Louis Vuitton Don repeats “ain’t nobody fuckin’ with my clique” roughly 2,193 times, and that got me thinking.
1. Who exactly is in Kanye’s clique?
2. Which of said members would I be most likely to fuck with?
So I decided to do a little research and make a list of potential clique members and rate them in descending order, from ones I most back myself to fuck with to unfuckwitable. Here goes nothing.
Tier 1: The Krissy Humphries: “Immanently Fuckwitable” Group
2 Chainz: The artist formerly known as Tity Boi leads our list. Honestly, does Kanye owe his dad a favor or something? How he continues to get on hot tracks/what he brings to the table remain the greatest unsolved mysteries Carlos Boozer’s hair. He makes Murphy Lee sound like Andre 3000.
Big Sean: He comes in just above 2 Chainz, thanks to his cool hat collection, past collaboration with The-Dream, and the fact that my buddy Sean thinks he’s hella handsome. Comes in second-to-last because his flows are as interesting as a JWOWW TED Talk.
Tier 1.5: The “Wait, What” Clique Members Who Probably Aren’t In the Clique Anymore
These Bros: Obviously. Where Farnsworth at?
Tier 2: The Mckayla Maroney “Seems Unfuckwitable, but Somewhat Fuckwitable” Group
Justin Vernon: It’s unclear whether his excessive, flagrant use of sax solos has resulted in his expulsion from Ye’s clique. But if he’s still in, he is coming dangerously close to being the new Chris Martin: the dude that rappers bring in to croon a forgettable hook on their album’s 4th single. Not a good look.
Nicki Minaj: I understand she’s talented. Tried to get it. Know a lot of people who get it. Don’t get it.
DJ Khaled: I was flabbergasted when I realized that he doesn’t even produce a lot of the tracks he’s on. I guess ridiculous ad libs and shouting WEEEEE THEEE BESTTTT is a surprisingly lucrative skill set. He is only this high because of his incredible Blackberry Contacts List. Dude’s got the coolest friends.
Tier 3: The Kobe Bryant Memorial “Spent Forces Holding on For Dear Life” Group
Common: Frankly, he’s only this high because of his bulletproof early back catalog (especially, Like Water for Chocolate, which is nearly perfect). He gets extra points for waving at me when I slowed down to let him cross on Fairfax Blvd.
Jay-Z: Probably not a particularly popular opinion, but Jay-Z hasn’t dropped a relevant verse since 2003’s stellar The Black Album. Sure he’s had some hot songs, but unfortunately all of them lack hot lines (buh doom pish) from the formerly inimitable Brooklynite. He’ll always be one of my favorite rappers of all-time, but I’m kinda over him explaining how dope his wardrobe.
Tier 4: The 2007 Marshawn Lynch “Beast Mode” Group
Chief Keef: I’ll talk a little more about my complicated feelings about Mr. Keef later on this week, but suffice it to say, he’s had an interesting year. The 17 year-old Chicago-native got off house arrest, released the most undeniable single of 2012, dropped a couple of intimidating mixtapes, and signed to Interscope. Controversy has followed Keef everywhere he’s gone, but if he keeps his head on straight, he has a chance to be great and bring his unique voice to the nation.
Rick Ross: Earlier this year, I would have bet my life that the big man would have been posted up much closer to the top of the list, but this year’s God Forgives, I Don’t wasn’t the next step I thought it would be. Still one of the best commercial rappers in the game though.
Kim Kardashian: Say what you want about her, she’s made out like a bandit this year. In one year, she traded in a journeyman power forward and a sagging reality show for one of the three biggest music personalities in the world. She was also responsible for a couple of devilishly funny Yeezy lines. Props to her for not taking herself too seriously and letting Kanye drop some LOLs on her. Also, is it a coincidence that since the relationship broke (“Theraflu”), Kanye has been absolutely on fire? I say no. As the man said, “baby girl, do your thing.”
Tier 5: The Adonal Foyle “Totally, Completely, Ridiculously Unfuckwitable” Group
Kanye West: Mr. West not at #1? Didn’t he release one of the greatest hip-hop albums of all-time just two years ago? Yeah, but then he dropped the horrifically uneven, self-indulgent (even for him), Watch the Thone album and couple of meh singles. That said, he’s found his groove with a string of devastating singles and a couple of classic verses, especially on the brilliant “Cold,” “New God Flow,” and “Clique.” Like his fellow Chicago legend, Michael Jordan, Ye’s always been at his best when he’s angry, and on Watch the Throne he sounded a little too fat and happy. For whatever reason, angry Kanye’s back, and everybody better watch out. Arguably the single most important musician of his generation.
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Pusha T: One of the coolest guys on the planet, the former Clipse man has been in scintillating form the last couple of years. To be honest, he’s been killing it from the beginning and remains one of the most curiously underrated MCs on the planet. Hopefully, his first proper solo album will propel him to the upper echelons of rap stardom, but even if it doesn’t, he’ll remain one of the most respected rappers around today.
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Beyonce: Simply put, the biggest pop star in the world, and even if you wanted to fuck with her, you’d have to get past her security crew, which would make Barack Obama blush.
